FYI: If you aren’t old enough to vote, you may not be ready for this info yet. Consider this your disclaimer.

 

It’s Friday. If you are like many hot blooded Homo sapiens (no pause necessary, look it up), you’re thinking of fucking someone tonight. Maybe scrolling through the mental rolodex, trying to figure out who’s most likely to give it up. Or if you do that monogamous committed thing, you are doing whatever monogamous committed people do, which probably includes a smaller mental rolodex.  Regardless, you are probably in the mood to get in touch with your animalistic nature… hoping for a bit of this or perhaps a bit of this.  Before you get down to kicking your weekend of doing this, you might want to peep this latest study done by Nanyang Technological University in Singapore that reveals a certain level of tricking is biologically ingrained in the nature of our monkey relatives.

Nah, you don’t have little monkey pimps going out and copping berry necklaces or anything lame like that, this study revealed that male monkeys groom female monkeys in order to, you guessed, knock monkey boots.  

“In primate societies, grooming is the underlying fabric of it all,” Dr. Michael Gumert, a primatologist at the Nanyang Technological University in Singapore, said in a telephone interview Saturday. “It’s a sign of friendship and family, and it’s also something that can be exchanged for sexual services.”

Okay…so you’re thinking… “Greens - the fuck are you talking about? Its Friday, I wanna fuck… cut the monkey business, post a naked pic or shut up.”

I’m not posting a pic, but here’s the point: you gots to put the work in  As evidenced in this study, small acts of caring and quality time are natural exchanges for some hot monkey lovin.  In a society that is so fast paced and hyper-sexualized, many of us have forgotten to take the time and do more than casually sniff the pheromones before smashing and dashing off to the next conquest or hustle.  For the most part we’ve taken to bartering with financially draining tangibles to get a little slice of ass, rather than put in the modicum of work necessary to make it worthwhile.

See, primates apparently understand that in order to get the loving; you have to put in at least a smidgen of work courting and shoeing affection to your mate. “It is not a rare phenomenon in nature that males have to make some ‘mating effort’ in order to get a female’s ‘permission’ to mate,” Dr. Dr. Peter Hammerstein, a professor at the Institute for Theoretical Biology at Humboldt University in Berlin said in an interview, likening the effort to a “fee” that the male pays.  Does this sound a bit like prostitution? Perhaps. This at least seems like a more fair trade than a basket of biscuits and some French fries. Besides, I’m helping you get laid, so just lay back and listen.

Tonight you should save a buck, skip the club. Cop a bottle of wine, a big box of condoms (we’re all about safety here at Alumnah) order a pizza and stay in. Try enjoying each other’s presence: tickle, tease, titillate. Fellas, massage her feet. Ladies, I know its winter almost everywhere but Miami, but keep your pedicure games on point, I mean your still look at your feet-treat yourself.  Pull out the ice cubes and seltzer water, and if your swag can handle it, the massage candles. Play a game or roll some dice.

It’s really quite simple: fellas, you gotta start putting the work in and making your female companion at least feel like you give half a fuck and getting whole fuck. Not only do I recommend you acting right and putting in some work, but nature says you already be knowing that you should, and chances are you’ll have a great time.

So go on. Get your grooming on.