A few months ago, I penned a short piece on how to be moderately successful in this rap game, and promised to follow up with how to take such moderate success and mediocre talents and turn it into many many many stacks.  Now I may be later than that skuzzy ho you ran up in without a rubber dumbass) but unlike her, I’m here to grow your money not suck your bank accounts dry. Sit back, relax and take a note or two. Its paper chase time!

Diversify your interests!

As our Lord & Savior Saint Hovito and his high priest Sir Diddy (Am I aware I just mixed my religious metaphors. Yes. Do I care? No. Do you? If you do then www.correctreligousterminolgyforpeoplewhoneedtogetlaid.gov is thatawayà) have taught us, the actual act of rapping is just the tip of the ice berg. The real rap money comes from diversifying your brand. Clothing line to sell overpriced jeans to broke kids in the hood desperately looking for strong role models? CHECK! Sneakers to do the same thing and eat into those damn ballplayers profits? CHECK! Liquor endorsements to encourage liver cirrhoses? CHECK! As a rapper with moderate success (I.e. one hot single) marketers and companies will sell their first born daughters virginity to you in exchange for your mean mug saying you wear their cologne/deodorant/adult diaper, drink their juice/alcohol/water, etc. my advice—turn down the little white girls virginity (she already gave it up to rapper who had that hit single last year anyway) and make sure the check they write you had A LOT of zeros in it (preferably BEFORE the decimal point).  Our career may not last, but that pro keds money just might.

Rapper Role Models: Hovito & Puff

Become a thespian and do it on film!

Do you know who the most bankable movie star in Hollywood is? The Fresh Motherfucking Prince, that’s who.  There are a few reason to get into the acting game: #1- everything you’re rapping about is a lie sp acting comes naturally to you; #2-it pays better and the film studio wont recoup that plate of sandwiches you ate from Kraft Services like your record label will do that time they sent that bucket of KFC to the studio instead of giving you your advance money; #3 it puts your ice grill in the faces of millions of people who might not others notice you, therefore increasing your brand worthy and making you a more valuable commodity to marketers thus enabling you to diversify your  interests in a more profitable manner (just go read  the paragraph above, again ok? It’ll help you get money) #4 movie stars RARELY get shot. Rappers get shot A LOT.  Will Smith= never shot. Uncle Murder = Shot.  Getting shot is bad. Getting movie money isn’t.

Rapper Role Models: Ice Cube & Will Smith

Ghostwrite

Let’s face it- not every one of you aspiring rappers will make. 99% of you won’t. Deal with it- it’s just not about skill. Skills a tiny part of it, just like charisma, swag, looks, flow, etc. And a bolt of lightning to make the magic happen.  For those of you not living in the midst of thunderstorms, there’s still a way to bank off your skills. Write for that 1% who made it. Everyone has either ghostwritten for someone or been ghostwritten for. Everyone. Sure you won’t get the same fame and notoriety as the asshole you’re writing for, but you will get the money, and the botches will smell the money and come along as well.

Rapper Role Model:  Ghostwriters have t o observe a strict code is silence so I can’t reveal names. Let’s just say maybe there’s this fellow from this state that’s New but it’s not York, who maybe ghostwrote the last two albums bringing a former king out of retirement who was having major writers block. Unfortunately said ghostwriter was feeling vengeful and wrote crappy shit, so he got dropped from his deal.  But that’s just one case. The other ghostwriters are living lovely.

Fire Your Homies!

Yeah it’ll hurt… but for really… your Auntie’s cousin’s baby sitters brother who you hung with when you were 11 one summer… why is he on your pay role? Draining your money? Fuck your friends—rap isn’t about friendship- it’s about money.  Hire killer lawyers, killer accountants and brilliant PR reps and managers whose silo purpose will be to make you money, grow the money you have and hide it so the damn IRS doesn’t take it. Day Day from down the block who’s eating Cheetos on your couch?  Yeah—wasting money. Get rid of ‘em.  Those who truly carry their weight- they’ll take a bullet for you when you aren’t in the movie set, will take a fall if the cops find weed or WMDs on the tour bus, wont ever ever ever tell anyone about that gay porn you made that one experimental winter day in ‘88- make them your number one wed carriers with specific duties. You worked for your money (sort of), your friends should too.

Rapper Role Model: Once again—its Hovi baby.

So there you go… a few ways to pimp the rap game and fatten your wallets.  Next up- putting together a dream team who will send your star straight to the top and keep it there.