Titty titty ass nipple. Lick lick poke thrust squeeeeezzzeeee. Ahhhhh. Ride climb groan moan. Mmmmmm.

Now that I have your attention, let’s chat for a minute about sex. Sex, as you may be aware is a big deal. Its currently bringing down both the Mayor of Detroit and the Governor- make that former Governor of New York. It’s currently occurring in offices, break rooms, beds and cars. You are thinking about it. So here are a few bits of information about sex that are floating around the net these days, maybe you’ll learn a new trick.

Monogamy. Live Science recently published an article questioning whether or not humans are meant to be monogamous. Apparently only 3-5% of 5000 mammal species (including you and me and hopefully who you at fucking) are known to form life long bonds. Social monogamy (raising a family together but sometimes hitting something else on the side before coming home and hitting your spouse) (no Ike & Tina) is much more common.  Now don’t take this as permission to cheat. When your significant other finds lipstick on your drawers or a hickey on your neck they didn’t give, don’t you dare give the “greenie said humans aren’t meant to b monogamous, it’s not my fault blame biology/evolution/green eyes” excuse, because here’s the kicker: humans also have free will. If and when you CHOOSE to enter into a committed relationship that entails monogamy- you are CHOOSING to give up the random snatch/dick that floats by throughout your day. If you can’t give it up- doesn’t commit. There comes a point where we must grow up and make mature decisions that are best for us, as well as those we care for, however if you aren’t at that point yet.. Save yourself the headache and your spouse the heartache… keep the big “monogamy” word out of the picture.

8 vs. 3.  Ladies… is that fine fella pissing you off? Lower your aesthetic standards. This University of Tennessee study finds that you’ll be much happier with a man who is less attractive than you.  Unfortunately, if he’s more attractive than you, prepare yourself now for the “Greenie said monogamy was unnatural,” excuse.  One more thing for  the ladies–apparently men have the same image, stamina, etc issues that some of us have. Just ask this guy.

Do it For Your Health.  Not that you need them- but here are 10 great reasons to get laid (safely), from  better health, less stress, lower blood pressure-it’s like a gym you actually will enjoy going to! Woo hoo!!

Happy 10th Birthday Viagra! On Thursday, Viagra turns 10 in what many horn dog old men (and women) consider the best accidental medical discovery since penicillin. Happy birthday little blue pill.

Bonus- take the Sex Quiz (you know you aren’t working). How much do you know about the birds and the bees?

On a final and serious tip- for real, we’re all adults here… grownups have no reason AT ALL to have unsafe sex, from pills, patches, condoms, gels.. There are dozens of cheap and readily available items at your disposal to make your sexual experience not just fun, but safe. As the great wordsmith of the 20th Century, Calvin Broadus, once mused:

And before me dig out a bitch I have to find a contraceptive

You never know she could be earnin her man

and learnin her man — and at the same time burnin her man

Now you know I ain’t with that shit, Lieutenant

Ain’t no pussy good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it

Wrap it up folks.