T.G.I.F.F. we did it again! We made it through another week, and as a reward here’s some sexy fun stuff for that ass.

Felicidades Quinceañera female condom!! The female condom is turning 15 and no one is going to her party. The latest report is that the female condom is woefully underused. My safe sex philosophy is well documented, and while I have tried just about every prophylactic on the market, the female condom has never made it into my repertoire. It’s costly, looks rather uncomfortable (seems like it’ll shift or break with a rather, shall we say, enthusiastic thrust), isn’t all that long, and frankly, I can’t figure out how to use it.  Guess I should have just looked on youtube (go on, click it, its work safe). Happy birthday female condom. I still wont be using you.

 

Toys!! We have always loved toys, and why should that love of toys end just because Santa no longer brings us Hot Wheels or Barbies? Toys for grown ups are good fun, and fortunately, there are a ton of them to play with. There’s the iPod compatible vibrator that’ll pulsate to the rhythm of the music you are playing; the Wii remote Dildo attachments for the gamer in your life; for secret fun in a crowded room, there are the Remote Control Vibrators  ; and now  for bath time, there is the feather boa wearing, crystal studded rubber ducky vibrator. Personal I think the rubber ducky vibe is going a bit too far, but, hey, that’s just me. Regardless of your toy preference, they add spice to a relationship, or … lets be honest…a quiet night home alone. Any of you have a favorite toy?

Self Love. In order to be a good lover, you should first love yourself. You should love all of you: emotionally, physically, spiritually - you deserve it! On the physical tip, it’s not just loving how you look…but getting to know how to love your physical self as well. Diddle your middle, spank the monkey. For many of us, masturbation was the first sex we had, our first foray into figuring out what felt good.  There are many reasons to Choke the Chicken: stress relief: you sleep better and, and as s 91 year old actor Ernest Borgnine has recently said, its the fountain of youth (he does it daily). You learn what you like, how you like it and where you like it.  So if this is a slow weekend- love yourself. After all– if you don’t love you, all of you, why the hell should anyone else?

The Numbers Game. It’s the eternal debate of whore-titude: whats your number? Is it too low, too high, or is it all a lie?  I’ve personally never asked for my fella’s number– I don’t really want their manwhore-ness confirmed; knowing he’s fucked half the free world doesn’t make me want to extend him an invitation into my gentlemen’s pleasure garden, in fact, it makes me want to close the garden’s gates and bar his ho ass permanently. None of my fella’s ever asked my number, so I’ve never even had to consider lying or telling the truth (I’d probably tell the truth. Maybe. Probably.) (I’m not sharing it with you all either, so don’t ask.) Regardless, men tend to be “allowed” higher numbers than women, and women are generally believed to be low balling (pardon the pun) their numbers.  This latest study reveals we’re all big fat liars whose pants are on fire; gentlemen, you tend to overestimate, ladies, we indeed underestimate. Greenie’s general rule of thumb: numbers (age, salary, weight and sexual partners) are no one’s business, but lying is immature - and so is passing judgment. Accept your number for what it is, because you can’t hop in the Delorean and take back a fuck (I would if I could, trust). Always use protection and be comfortable within your own skin and your own number field. However, if in fact your number is significantly higher than you’re age, you may in fact, be a whore. Or an artist. Embrace it.

As always, I wish you all a long, healthy and happy sex life, so wrap it up before you stab it up. If you cant be with the one you love, don’t love the one your with by settling for a skanky whore substitute (they’ll give you a disease that’ll make your happy parts rot), go home and love yourself.